
Last year my friend Dana volunteered to “handle” our group costume, which turned out to mean a group chat with fourteen unanswered messages, one person who bought her piece three weeks early, and one who showed up in a completely different shade of green. We looked like four people who happened to be standing near…

Two years ago my sister’s family showed up to a neighborhood trick-or-treat night in a “matching” theme that looked great on paper. Her three-year-old lasted eleven minutes in the felt hat before it hit the sidewalk, and her husband spent the rest of the night carrying it in one hand and a melting juice box…

Three years ago I showed up to a Halloween party as a “sexy” something-or-other from a bag, and I was cold, itchy, and holding a plastic accessory for six hours. By 10 p.m. I’d taken half of it off. Since then I’ve had one rule: if I can’t sit down, eat pizza, and hug people…

Every year my friend group makes the same mistake: someone says “let’s all do a group costume” in late September, six people say yes, and by October 20th we’re down to three people in matching t-shirts and a leftover pile of foam. The trouble with Halloween costumes for a group of 5 is that five…

The first time I tried to put a costume on my cat, Biscuit, she went completely flat, like a pancake with opinions, and slid out of the pumpkin sweater in about four seconds. I got one blurry photo of her mid-escape. It’s still my favorite picture of her, but it taught me the main rule…

Last October I watched a very pregnant coworker spend an entire office party tugging at a store-bought costume that was clearly cut for someone with a flat stomach. The zipper wouldn’t close, the sleeves rode up, and by 8 p.m. she had changed into her own sweatshirt. That’s the trap with Halloween costumes for pregnant…

My aunt Diane is 67, and for years she skipped Halloween parties entirely because, in her words, “everything in the costume aisle looks like it’s for someone’s daughter.” Two years ago her book club talked her into going as Agatha Christie — a simple tweed skirt, a strand of pearls, and a magnifying glass she…

My neighbor Pat is 58, and every year she throws the best Halloween party on our street — and every year, at least one person shows up in something that’s clearly meant for a 22-year-old and just doesn’t sit right on them, and you can tell they know it. Last year she pulled me aside…

I spent three Halloweens in a row buying “plus size” costumes online that were cut for someone a full size smaller than the label said, then safety-pinning myself into something that looked nothing like the photo. My friend Danielle finally staged an intervention over group text last September — she sent me a screenshot of…